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I am unbelievably utterly unhappy right now. I am so tired. I need for it all to mean something.
Sigh....
Sigh....
June 17th, 2008
depressedSeptember 15th, 2007
I am fully convinced that there are some people who will always break your heart.
lonelySeptember 9th, 2007
I forgot about this journal. Crazy. I am so emotional. I think I only write in this journal when I am feeling really high or low. If you were only doing things that you loved in your life, what would they be? Are you living it right now?
sickMay 10th, 2007
life is full of tiny tragedies and triumphs. a good day is when the triumphs outweigh the tragedies. today i'm not sure where i fall. but i am thinking that maybe triumph had a very very slight edge.
okayApril 19th, 2007
if i wrote a postsecret right now, it would say: i have never felt so friendless in my entire life. and it's all my fault.
nauseatedFebruary 26th, 2007
"Everyday I fight a mini battle with myself. Somewhere along the way I lost my confidence. Not completely. But it's just not back to 100% like it used to be. Maybe it was just a matter of time. Maybe I needed to be humbled, I don't know.
I recently read an article about a writer who survived prostate cancer but lost something in the process, his self confidence. The ability to make decisions, be sure of himself, etc. He was constantly wrought over the smallest things. But he came out of it in the end. I hope I do too.
Ever go to bed at night hoping that you fall asleep quickly so that you can just begin anew the next day? That hasn't happened to me very often but the past two nights were almost like that.
It's weird, I almost feel like a robot these days. Hard to stay motivated in what I'm doing but amazingly, I keep going and find it in me somehow to chug away like normal. How long will I be able to keep this up?"
That was something that I wrote about a month ago that I didn't get around to posting. Ironically, I read it now and it still hits home. I thought maybe it was just a short phase I was going through. Well I guess it hasn't gone away quite yet.
I am really struggling right now. I know I'm supposed to. It's the most challenging time I have ever had in my life, and for that, I'm somewhat thankful that it hasn't been any harder. But I am beginning to drown where I once thrived. What I'm really referring to momentarily is school. School is kicking my ass. HARD. I mean I began the year very optimistically and I was like, "School has nothing on me!" But the tables have turned a full 360 degrees and my last two exams haven't gone especially well. Maybe I'm not doing well because I'm not confident enough. Or maybe I'm too confident and I don't second-guess myself as much as I should. I don't know what it is. I feel dead inside. I can't function, I am forgetting normal every-day information and going to the drycleaners or the mailbox is considered a luxury. I'm not trying to be funny, it's actually true. I'm getting a little burnt out, I guess. Just one more week of this hell. One more. I keep thinking I'm doing ok but maybe I'm not. I'm not sure what to do with myself. I'm taking this especially hard because I have devoted myself to nothing else in the past 7 months and it's all starting to feel a little futile. I haven't slept enough, I haven't gone out, I haven't seen any movies/TV/commercials, I haven't been to the dentist, I haven't done a plethora of stuff that normal human beings do....bleh....I told myself I wouldn't become one of these people. Dammit.
I recently read an article about a writer who survived prostate cancer but lost something in the process, his self confidence. The ability to make decisions, be sure of himself, etc. He was constantly wrought over the smallest things. But he came out of it in the end. I hope I do too.
Ever go to bed at night hoping that you fall asleep quickly so that you can just begin anew the next day? That hasn't happened to me very often but the past two nights were almost like that.
It's weird, I almost feel like a robot these days. Hard to stay motivated in what I'm doing but amazingly, I keep going and find it in me somehow to chug away like normal. How long will I be able to keep this up?"
That was something that I wrote about a month ago that I didn't get around to posting. Ironically, I read it now and it still hits home. I thought maybe it was just a short phase I was going through. Well I guess it hasn't gone away quite yet.
I am really struggling right now. I know I'm supposed to. It's the most challenging time I have ever had in my life, and for that, I'm somewhat thankful that it hasn't been any harder. But I am beginning to drown where I once thrived. What I'm really referring to momentarily is school. School is kicking my ass. HARD. I mean I began the year very optimistically and I was like, "School has nothing on me!" But the tables have turned a full 360 degrees and my last two exams haven't gone especially well. Maybe I'm not doing well because I'm not confident enough. Or maybe I'm too confident and I don't second-guess myself as much as I should. I don't know what it is. I feel dead inside. I can't function, I am forgetting normal every-day information and going to the drycleaners or the mailbox is considered a luxury. I'm not trying to be funny, it's actually true. I'm getting a little burnt out, I guess. Just one more week of this hell. One more. I keep thinking I'm doing ok but maybe I'm not. I'm not sure what to do with myself. I'm taking this especially hard because I have devoted myself to nothing else in the past 7 months and it's all starting to feel a little futile. I haven't slept enough, I haven't gone out, I haven't seen any movies/TV/commercials, I haven't been to the dentist, I haven't done a plethora of stuff that normal human beings do....bleh....I told myself I wouldn't become one of these people. Dammit.
disappointedJanuary 30th, 2007
I'm having one of those nights. Just feeling really emotional and down. I must be, or else I wouldn't be writing here. Want to sleep but can't, bleh.
Truth is, if I could just wipe away all caring and conscience, then I might feel really happy and really free. Being able to care and love is great, but I don't think it's ever freeing. You're bound to your feelings about that person, you're affected, you make sacrifices, etc. I think I'm too sensitive these days to everything. Why do I care? What's the point? The real reason I care is because I know what it feels like to have someone not care. When you've known pain, why would you inflict it on someone else?
Why do I care what anybody else thinks? This is pretty much the same question I've dealt with ever since high school. I have to remember that it always seems greener on the other side. That maybe I think things aren't up to par but I could have it so much worse. Even those who know me most have no idea what I really go through or how I really feel. Lately I feel like I'm an internal mess. Sometimes I can't keep it all in. Most of the time I can. But because I feel like I've upheld this facade for so long, there's nothing to do but keep perpetuating it. Why do I care? Let me give you one example. There's a girl at school that I intensely dislike. There are so many things I could say about her. And most of those things, in fact, 99.5% of them wouldn't be nice. But yeah, part of me actually cares about being her friend. What for? It's not worth my energy. I feel like this all the time with everyone in my life. Constantly being slighted but nothing ever changes. It's like touching a hot stove and yet, time and again, I am right there touching it, once again. And I never learn my lesson. I don't even know if there's a lesson to be learned. I can't teach myself to not care. Can I?
I'm sure I do the same thing. I'm sure I slight people I care about all the time. I'm sure that most of the time I don't even know it. And if I do, it's probably a defense mechanism on my part. I don't think I am the best daughter either. Part of me is reverting back to my high school self. Rebellion. Defiance. But this time around, there's a lot more guilt. Maybe that's the one sign that I am actually 24 these days, not 17.
Honestly, I just want to disappear from the world. And maybe that wouldn't feel good. But can't feel any worse than I do now. I'm not doing very well living in the moment. Because the moment passes and then really, all you are left with is nothing.
Truth is, if I could just wipe away all caring and conscience, then I might feel really happy and really free. Being able to care and love is great, but I don't think it's ever freeing. You're bound to your feelings about that person, you're affected, you make sacrifices, etc. I think I'm too sensitive these days to everything. Why do I care? What's the point? The real reason I care is because I know what it feels like to have someone not care. When you've known pain, why would you inflict it on someone else?
Why do I care what anybody else thinks? This is pretty much the same question I've dealt with ever since high school. I have to remember that it always seems greener on the other side. That maybe I think things aren't up to par but I could have it so much worse. Even those who know me most have no idea what I really go through or how I really feel. Lately I feel like I'm an internal mess. Sometimes I can't keep it all in. Most of the time I can. But because I feel like I've upheld this facade for so long, there's nothing to do but keep perpetuating it. Why do I care? Let me give you one example. There's a girl at school that I intensely dislike. There are so many things I could say about her. And most of those things, in fact, 99.5% of them wouldn't be nice. But yeah, part of me actually cares about being her friend. What for? It's not worth my energy. I feel like this all the time with everyone in my life. Constantly being slighted but nothing ever changes. It's like touching a hot stove and yet, time and again, I am right there touching it, once again. And I never learn my lesson. I don't even know if there's a lesson to be learned. I can't teach myself to not care. Can I?
I'm sure I do the same thing. I'm sure I slight people I care about all the time. I'm sure that most of the time I don't even know it. And if I do, it's probably a defense mechanism on my part. I don't think I am the best daughter either. Part of me is reverting back to my high school self. Rebellion. Defiance. But this time around, there's a lot more guilt. Maybe that's the one sign that I am actually 24 these days, not 17.
Honestly, I just want to disappear from the world. And maybe that wouldn't feel good. But can't feel any worse than I do now. I'm not doing very well living in the moment. Because the moment passes and then really, all you are left with is nothing.
melancholyNovember 14th, 2006
Sometimes there's a fine line between learning from your past mistakes and letting them affect your present/future too much.
blahNovember 9th, 2006
Finally saw that movie over the weekend in Seattle with Kevin. Have to say... it was pretty good. I haven't been horribly disappointed by many comic turned movie creations. Seattle was great, even though it rained all weekend. The rain was kind of cool... no umbrellas, just walked around in it. Kind of freeing. Huge change from warm skirt-weather in So Cal. Went up Space Needle, saw KeyArena (Sonics vs Lakers), Pike's Market (yummy food and cool trinkets), went on Underground Seattle tour (pretty cool, the city used to be built "underground" in a sense), and just basically relaxed. However, now I'm super stressed cause I have an exam this Monday. In fact, I also have another exam that same week on Friday then the week after that on Wednesday right before Thanksgiving. I feel like med school is turning me into a zombie. I don't know what to do with myself. What to think, what to feel, bleh... going through a weird phase.
Anyway, as you know, when I blog, it is usually spurred by something. My motivation this time is just to vent about the immaturity of shit talkers. I am seriously one of the most passive aggressive and non-confrontational people you will ever meet. You can be kicking my seat for the entire duration of a flight and I'll be pissed but I will never say a word. I could be really upset that you abandoned me in some way, shape or form but I will just let it go. I mean, use me, abuse me, I will pretty much take it. Most of my closest girlfriends are really headstrong though. I admire that about them. They won't take shit (or at least know when to make it stop) and speak up about what they want. I am not a complete doormat. I can be pretty damn opinionated when I believe I'm right and if I feel comfortable enough, I will call you out on your shit. But the one thing in my life I refuse to be passive about are the people I care about. I am fiercely loyal to my friends, whether I ever show it or not. I could go for months without talking to you but I still care like crazy and want the best for you no matter what. Whenever I've learned that someone I care about has been wronged, I can't help but let it get to me. That, above all else, upsets me the most. I will fucking throw it down for you, start a fight, whatever the hell it takes. You can fuck with me all you want but do not fuck with my family or friends. This is the only thing that I get crazy about. And it's weird, it's something I've only recently noticed. Three situations come to mind. In the first situation, my mom is at Macy's and wants to buy a pot that was on sale. She brings it up to the counter and asks a salesclerk for help. The salesclerk goes to the back to see if they have any in stock. Another lady comes by and starts eyeing the pot. My mom thinks nothing of it and overhears the lady ask another salesclerk if they have it in stock. She goes to the back to check as well. The first salesclerk comes back out and tells her that they don't have any in stock. My mom asks if she can buy the one on the sample floor that she brought up to the cashier. At this point, the other lady interjects and says that she had dibs on it first. Not only that, but the second salesclerk comes out and then claims that her customer had it first as well. My mom's salesclerk says nothing. My mom was not upset about not being able to buy the item... she was upset about the principle of the matter. The other lady was clearly lying, knew that my mom had it first but decided she didn't care, and not only that, but the other salesclerk aided her in this fucking lie to get the commission. WTF. If I were there, I would have called the fucking manager and filed a formal complaint against that fucking salesclerk. This is coming from someone who will NOT ever in her life send food back, even if it's blatantly not what I ordered! Even if it's freaking well done and I ordered rare, even if it has flies on it! I will just pay for it and leave. Shit. But in this situation, I would have started mad shit. I would have raised fucking hell and yelled at that salesclerk. In the second situation, I am out in LA at a bar with Michelle, Travis, Mustafa, and Stephanie. The bar is closing and we step outside and chill for a bit. Another group of people are standing nearby and one of us comment to them not to step in a puddle of vomit that we see on the sidewalk near them. One of the guys approaches Michelle, Stephanie and I and makes a comment like, "How are you ladies doing tonight?" This kind of annoys Travis so he makes a remark back to the guy and a whole confrontation starts. I'm not even scared, I'm just trying to break up fights. After it settles for a second, another girl steps at Michelle and starts getting all fucking crazy on her, saying shit like "Don't talk to my husband like that!" And I'm like WTF we weren't saying shit and seriously, that was the first time in my entire life I was ready to bitch slap someone. Honestly, if she started getting physical with Michelle, I would have hit her, I was so freaking mad. Random people trying to start shit, geez. Third situation is not exactly a situation yet but I'm just waiting for it to get there. There are some freaking retarded people in my class. Sorry, I hate saying that, but it's true. All these people that are not only on their high horse but like to talk shit and are fucking racist too. I overheard from a classmate that someone was talking shit on one of my really good friends and it seriously pissed me off so bad that if I ever find out who it was, I will fucking confront that bitch and start a scene. Honestly, how old are we? So much fucking childish gossip and shit talking going around. I HATE IT. There are some fucked up people in my class and I know that it's only a matter of time before something goes down... I just know it. Thus the title of my post. In this case, V stands for Van and I will hold a fucking vendetta towards anyone who decides that it's ok to fuck with people I care about.
Sorry this was not a happy post. And sorry for all the profanity. And Happy Birthday Kim, I love you!!!
Anyway, as you know, when I blog, it is usually spurred by something. My motivation this time is just to vent about the immaturity of shit talkers. I am seriously one of the most passive aggressive and non-confrontational people you will ever meet. You can be kicking my seat for the entire duration of a flight and I'll be pissed but I will never say a word. I could be really upset that you abandoned me in some way, shape or form but I will just let it go. I mean, use me, abuse me, I will pretty much take it. Most of my closest girlfriends are really headstrong though. I admire that about them. They won't take shit (or at least know when to make it stop) and speak up about what they want. I am not a complete doormat. I can be pretty damn opinionated when I believe I'm right and if I feel comfortable enough, I will call you out on your shit. But the one thing in my life I refuse to be passive about are the people I care about. I am fiercely loyal to my friends, whether I ever show it or not. I could go for months without talking to you but I still care like crazy and want the best for you no matter what. Whenever I've learned that someone I care about has been wronged, I can't help but let it get to me. That, above all else, upsets me the most. I will fucking throw it down for you, start a fight, whatever the hell it takes. You can fuck with me all you want but do not fuck with my family or friends. This is the only thing that I get crazy about. And it's weird, it's something I've only recently noticed. Three situations come to mind. In the first situation, my mom is at Macy's and wants to buy a pot that was on sale. She brings it up to the counter and asks a salesclerk for help. The salesclerk goes to the back to see if they have any in stock. Another lady comes by and starts eyeing the pot. My mom thinks nothing of it and overhears the lady ask another salesclerk if they have it in stock. She goes to the back to check as well. The first salesclerk comes back out and tells her that they don't have any in stock. My mom asks if she can buy the one on the sample floor that she brought up to the cashier. At this point, the other lady interjects and says that she had dibs on it first. Not only that, but the second salesclerk comes out and then claims that her customer had it first as well. My mom's salesclerk says nothing. My mom was not upset about not being able to buy the item... she was upset about the principle of the matter. The other lady was clearly lying, knew that my mom had it first but decided she didn't care, and not only that, but the other salesclerk aided her in this fucking lie to get the commission. WTF. If I were there, I would have called the fucking manager and filed a formal complaint against that fucking salesclerk. This is coming from someone who will NOT ever in her life send food back, even if it's blatantly not what I ordered! Even if it's freaking well done and I ordered rare, even if it has flies on it! I will just pay for it and leave. Shit. But in this situation, I would have started mad shit. I would have raised fucking hell and yelled at that salesclerk. In the second situation, I am out in LA at a bar with Michelle, Travis, Mustafa, and Stephanie. The bar is closing and we step outside and chill for a bit. Another group of people are standing nearby and one of us comment to them not to step in a puddle of vomit that we see on the sidewalk near them. One of the guys approaches Michelle, Stephanie and I and makes a comment like, "How are you ladies doing tonight?" This kind of annoys Travis so he makes a remark back to the guy and a whole confrontation starts. I'm not even scared, I'm just trying to break up fights. After it settles for a second, another girl steps at Michelle and starts getting all fucking crazy on her, saying shit like "Don't talk to my husband like that!" And I'm like WTF we weren't saying shit and seriously, that was the first time in my entire life I was ready to bitch slap someone. Honestly, if she started getting physical with Michelle, I would have hit her, I was so freaking mad. Random people trying to start shit, geez. Third situation is not exactly a situation yet but I'm just waiting for it to get there. There are some freaking retarded people in my class. Sorry, I hate saying that, but it's true. All these people that are not only on their high horse but like to talk shit and are fucking racist too. I overheard from a classmate that someone was talking shit on one of my really good friends and it seriously pissed me off so bad that if I ever find out who it was, I will fucking confront that bitch and start a scene. Honestly, how old are we? So much fucking childish gossip and shit talking going around. I HATE IT. There are some fucked up people in my class and I know that it's only a matter of time before something goes down... I just know it. Thus the title of my post. In this case, V stands for Van and I will hold a fucking vendetta towards anyone who decides that it's ok to fuck with people I care about.
Sorry this was not a happy post. And sorry for all the profanity. And Happy Birthday Kim, I love you!!!
pissed offOctober 23rd, 2006
Spent a whole four nights and three days in lovely lovely Las Vegas. I hope that place never loses its magic with me. It's so cool... there's no other place like it. I slept in everyday, ate yummy food (finally got to go to Bellagio buffet!), saw La Reve (magical as O and Mystere), did a little shopping (found my brother's bday gift), partied like no other (Pure and Tangerine with all the classmates), met new peoples and faces (Western Alumni reception), and learned new things (AOA Convention). Did I mention the food? I ate at this great restaurant in Wynn overlooking the Lake of Dreams... I could really go for some oysters right about now. Yummay! I also ate at this restaurant that Vu has been recommending for some time now... they had one of the yummiest beef noodle soups I've ever had :)
Anyway, I think spending some time outside of the classroom getting to know my classmates in Vegas really made a difference in my overall happiness level. It was so great to see everyone there and it was so fortunate and amazing to have had that opportunity (no other classes in the past have been able to do what we did). We specifically got days off to go to this convention (which they hadn't done in the past) and not only that, it was in Vegas! Gave us a chance to really bond and it seems clear that we are going to be a much closer class than the current 2nd years are. I got to hang out with so many different groups of classmates within my class and everyone, for the most part, was really cool and fun. There are some general personality clashes of course, and the usual cattiness among girls and shit talking between guys but nevertheless, it's never boring and I think the experience really made us grow as a group. I look forward to seeing how the rest of the year will turn out.
As I approach my 24th birthday (gulp), I am overwhelmingly grateful for all the people who have graced my life. I expect that the year of 24 will bring its challenges and struggles but there will be moments of happiness and accomplishment as well. I just want to continue to grow and try not to let myself become complacent. I am in charge in my own life, I have control over how I respond to what I am presented with and my hope is that I will grow a bit more brave than I have been in the past couple of years. There's a side to me that my close friends know about, and its very Scorpio-esque. There are things I am keenly passionate about... poke and prod me enough and I am fiery and I will stand my ground. That's my goal for my 24th year. Step out of my comfort zone and see what'll take ahold of me.... and run with it.
Anyway, I think spending some time outside of the classroom getting to know my classmates in Vegas really made a difference in my overall happiness level. It was so great to see everyone there and it was so fortunate and amazing to have had that opportunity (no other classes in the past have been able to do what we did). We specifically got days off to go to this convention (which they hadn't done in the past) and not only that, it was in Vegas! Gave us a chance to really bond and it seems clear that we are going to be a much closer class than the current 2nd years are. I got to hang out with so many different groups of classmates within my class and everyone, for the most part, was really cool and fun. There are some general personality clashes of course, and the usual cattiness among girls and shit talking between guys but nevertheless, it's never boring and I think the experience really made us grow as a group. I look forward to seeing how the rest of the year will turn out.
As I approach my 24th birthday (gulp), I am overwhelmingly grateful for all the people who have graced my life. I expect that the year of 24 will bring its challenges and struggles but there will be moments of happiness and accomplishment as well. I just want to continue to grow and try not to let myself become complacent. I am in charge in my own life, I have control over how I respond to what I am presented with and my hope is that I will grow a bit more brave than I have been in the past couple of years. There's a side to me that my close friends know about, and its very Scorpio-esque. There are things I am keenly passionate about... poke and prod me enough and I am fiery and I will stand my ground. That's my goal for my 24th year. Step out of my comfort zone and see what'll take ahold of me.... and run with it.
goodOctober 15th, 2006
Inspired randomly to update at 4 am. I have been so bad at this, especially considering the fact that so much is going on in my life. I tried to begin a new journal related solely to medical school but that didn't happen. Apparently I don't have that kind of time to spare anymore. Oh well.
School is rough. It's kicking my ass but I'm putting up a damn good fight and might end up with an A in Gross Anatomy, which would make the past 8 weeks of my life pretty damn redeeming. I know it's already over two months into school but I am still adjusting. I've always thought myself to be pretty damn adaptable but several huge changes have evolved in my life since I began and I don't think I'm acclimating fast enough. Lately I find myself in a slightly uncomfortable place in my life (heck, let's even say moderately uncomfortable) and the only thing that seems to really keep my spirits up are my close friends from high school, UCI, etc. I love you guys and wouldn't trade you for anything in the world. Except maybe a dermatology residency. Just kidding. I just love my beautiful support network. My friends and I are constantly throwing back and forth the proverbial hot potato in a sense... I've been there for them and they've been there for me. Our exchanges consist of a flurry of comments involving dysfunctional families, boyfriends, and complaints about school or people, etc. You name it. School is pushing me outside of my comfort zone right now... I'm being forced to meet and interact with new people and a new environment. Granted, I get to do it in So Cal, the best place in the world. And as genuinely as much as I want to get to know these people and form life-lasting friendships and all that other sentimental hoo-hah, I just get so tired of going through the whole damn rigamorale. I could call any of my long time friends and we can go months without having a conversation but it would never have to consist of asking inane questions like, "Soo... -fiddles thumbs- How was the test?" I mean I understand that it's going to take some time, but I just don't know how long I can put up with this charade. It's kind of ironic because we all spend so much damn time together but 99% of it is school related and the other 1% (probably less, in reality) is dedicated to actually getting to know one another. In other words, this environment forces us to bond but gives us no means to do so. NO TIME. The other problem I've come to realize is that I'm not sure I even want to be friends with any of these people. Believe me, I'm not trying to be anti-social here but it's difficult for me to swallow a room full of 214 A-type personalities all clamoring to be #1 Mrs or Mr A type at once. In general, all my closest friends tend to be easy-going, laid-back, and down for whatever. So to go from that to psychotically studious, anal-retentive, egotistical know-it-alls is a wee bit... unnerving. Anyway, in general, it makes me feel so out of the loop, unintegrated, unrelatable... I don't know. Combine what is going on with me socially and academically with me living at home and you've got a physically and emotionally drained Van.
There is so much more I can say for now but it's officially 5 am now (didn't take me an hour to write this post, I got caught up on the phone). So I better head to bed and you'll hear from me when my next wave of inspiration hits and I have time to blog. And let me tell you, those two things coinciding at the same time? It'll be like getting struck by lightning as you win the lottery.
School is rough. It's kicking my ass but I'm putting up a damn good fight and might end up with an A in Gross Anatomy, which would make the past 8 weeks of my life pretty damn redeeming. I know it's already over two months into school but I am still adjusting. I've always thought myself to be pretty damn adaptable but several huge changes have evolved in my life since I began and I don't think I'm acclimating fast enough. Lately I find myself in a slightly uncomfortable place in my life (heck, let's even say moderately uncomfortable) and the only thing that seems to really keep my spirits up are my close friends from high school, UCI, etc. I love you guys and wouldn't trade you for anything in the world. Except maybe a dermatology residency. Just kidding. I just love my beautiful support network. My friends and I are constantly throwing back and forth the proverbial hot potato in a sense... I've been there for them and they've been there for me. Our exchanges consist of a flurry of comments involving dysfunctional families, boyfriends, and complaints about school or people, etc. You name it. School is pushing me outside of my comfort zone right now... I'm being forced to meet and interact with new people and a new environment. Granted, I get to do it in So Cal, the best place in the world. And as genuinely as much as I want to get to know these people and form life-lasting friendships and all that other sentimental hoo-hah, I just get so tired of going through the whole damn rigamorale. I could call any of my long time friends and we can go months without having a conversation but it would never have to consist of asking inane questions like, "Soo... -fiddles thumbs- How was the test?" I mean I understand that it's going to take some time, but I just don't know how long I can put up with this charade. It's kind of ironic because we all spend so much damn time together but 99% of it is school related and the other 1% (probably less, in reality) is dedicated to actually getting to know one another. In other words, this environment forces us to bond but gives us no means to do so. NO TIME. The other problem I've come to realize is that I'm not sure I even want to be friends with any of these people. Believe me, I'm not trying to be anti-social here but it's difficult for me to swallow a room full of 214 A-type personalities all clamoring to be #1 Mrs or Mr A type at once. In general, all my closest friends tend to be easy-going, laid-back, and down for whatever. So to go from that to psychotically studious, anal-retentive, egotistical know-it-alls is a wee bit... unnerving. Anyway, in general, it makes me feel so out of the loop, unintegrated, unrelatable... I don't know. Combine what is going on with me socially and academically with me living at home and you've got a physically and emotionally drained Van.
There is so much more I can say for now but it's officially 5 am now (didn't take me an hour to write this post, I got caught up on the phone). So I better head to bed and you'll hear from me when my next wave of inspiration hits and I have time to blog. And let me tell you, those two things coinciding at the same time? It'll be like getting struck by lightning as you win the lottery.
awakeMay 18th, 2006
Can I just say go Clippers and go Mavs!? Not my favorite teams, but they're the ones I'm rooting for. Now back to my entry.
Been dreaming a lot. Almost every night. Sometimes I remember, sometimes I don't. Recounting my dream in the morning helps me remember my dreams better. It's also a popular strategy to write a dream journal the moment you wake up to train yourself to remember your dreams. Lately most of my dreams have been a weird mix of home and both work places (lab and pharmacy). Really weird. As I'm sure I've mentioned before, I tend to have dreams about really random people too. Of course I dream about people who are close to me and people I spend a lot of time with but surprisingly I often dream about people I have barely met in passing or have little/no interaction with (although I know who they are). And of course the usual dreams about people I feel unsettled with in my life. In my dreams with these people, I often dream that everything between us is great and that there's no awkwardness or resentfulness, etc. They are usually pretty happy dreams. Well, at least until I wake up. Then I can get to feeling kind of restless about the dream. I think dreams are significant because they tend to be pretty unconscious.. a seemingly unrelated string of events that occur from whatever may be floating around in your mind. I think most people would agree that they have had plenty of dreams that they never would have been able to conceive by their own imagination alone. As a result, I try to find meaning in my dreams if I can. At least with segments or parts of my dreams. Most of the time, I think it's too difficult to try to figure out whether an entire dream has meaning because I see dreams mostly as unique stories woven from many different parts of the brain that may or may not be connected at all. I found some interesting quotes on dreams:
Dreams are illustrations... from the book your soul is writing about you. ~Marsha Norman
A dream which is not interpreted is like a letter which is not read. ~The Talmud
Dreams are excursions into the limbo of things, a semi-deliverance from the human prison. ~Henri Amiel
That last quote stuck out to me because although there are plenty of sad, anxious, or scary dreams, there are also many happy dreams and even the most miserable person has the possibility of experiencing a temporary refuge from his own suffering through something as simple as a dream. A dream. A mere illusion caused by electrical circuits in our heads, allowing us to experience things that we never would be able to in reality. Crazy huh?
So lately I've been reading "Becoming a Doctor" by an anthropologist that decided to enter medicine at the age of 33. It recounts his third year of medical school as he is going through his medical rotations. Pretty interesting, pretty humbling. For anyone who is considering kids, here's an excerpt:
"He did not mention it, but I knew that the cephalopelvic 'crunch' of difficult, painful childbirth was a legacy of imperfect human evolution. Apes had it easy. But when humans began to walk upright, the pelvis had had to become adapted for weight-bearing. This made it short and stocky and tough and unsuitable for the birthing of a baby. Meanwhile the same baby was evolving a larger head to accommodate a larger brain. Hence an evolutionary squeeze.
Still, most babies got out through the birth canal, thanks to the aptly named 'forces of labor.' Intense and painful contraction of the muscular wall of the uterus, combined with voluntary and involuntary increases in abdominal pressure ('bearing down') pressed on the baby, shoving his or her head out thorugh the birth canal. The head acted more or less like a battering ram, stretching the cervix open and over itself (a common metaphor was that of pulling on a turtleneck sweater) and then distending and forcing itself out through the narrow vagina."
And then on his second delivery of a baby in med school:
"His girlfriend, whose name was Brenda, finally delivered into my hands a healthy baby girl, but not without a grotesque tear of her vagina and the supporting musculature, extending almost to her rectum."
So, who's adopting?!
Btw, Denim Warehouse sale this Sunday in Anaheim if anyone is interested :) And I'm getting a new Sidekick!! So excited!! And a new MacBook! :)
Fefe Dobson - Don't Let It Go To Your Head
So what if I came clean
And told you all you mean to me
So what if I meant every word I said
Baby don't let it go to your head
So what if I write your name
Cause you're always on my brain
In a heart, I paint it crimson red
Baby don't let it go to your head
Don't be getting any big ideas
Let me make it clear
Just cause I can't go on
Just cause I doubt when you're gone
Just cause I think of you in bed
Don't let it go to your head
If I looked in your eyes
One, two, too many times
And memorized every word you said
Don't let it go to your head
So what if I want to kiss
From your toes up to your lips
It don't mean that you've had me yet
You're gonna be good, I bet
I'm the one whose in control here
Let me make it clear
Just cause I can't go on
Just cause I doubt when you're gone
Just cause I think of you in bed
Don't let it go to your head
If I looked in your eyes
One, two, too many times
And memorized every word you said
Don't let it go to your head
I had a porcelain doll
I held on to it so tightly
But when it broke, I swore
I'd never hold on to something that tightly again
Don't let it go to your head
Oh, no (oh, no)
Just cause I can't go on
Just cause I doubt when you're gone
Just cause I think of you in bed
Don't let it go to your head
Don't let it go to your head
Don't let it go to your head...
Been dreaming a lot. Almost every night. Sometimes I remember, sometimes I don't. Recounting my dream in the morning helps me remember my dreams better. It's also a popular strategy to write a dream journal the moment you wake up to train yourself to remember your dreams. Lately most of my dreams have been a weird mix of home and both work places (lab and pharmacy). Really weird. As I'm sure I've mentioned before, I tend to have dreams about really random people too. Of course I dream about people who are close to me and people I spend a lot of time with but surprisingly I often dream about people I have barely met in passing or have little/no interaction with (although I know who they are). And of course the usual dreams about people I feel unsettled with in my life. In my dreams with these people, I often dream that everything between us is great and that there's no awkwardness or resentfulness, etc. They are usually pretty happy dreams. Well, at least until I wake up. Then I can get to feeling kind of restless about the dream. I think dreams are significant because they tend to be pretty unconscious.. a seemingly unrelated string of events that occur from whatever may be floating around in your mind. I think most people would agree that they have had plenty of dreams that they never would have been able to conceive by their own imagination alone. As a result, I try to find meaning in my dreams if I can. At least with segments or parts of my dreams. Most of the time, I think it's too difficult to try to figure out whether an entire dream has meaning because I see dreams mostly as unique stories woven from many different parts of the brain that may or may not be connected at all. I found some interesting quotes on dreams:
Dreams are illustrations... from the book your soul is writing about you. ~Marsha Norman
A dream which is not interpreted is like a letter which is not read. ~The Talmud
Dreams are excursions into the limbo of things, a semi-deliverance from the human prison. ~Henri Amiel
That last quote stuck out to me because although there are plenty of sad, anxious, or scary dreams, there are also many happy dreams and even the most miserable person has the possibility of experiencing a temporary refuge from his own suffering through something as simple as a dream. A dream. A mere illusion caused by electrical circuits in our heads, allowing us to experience things that we never would be able to in reality. Crazy huh?
So lately I've been reading "Becoming a Doctor" by an anthropologist that decided to enter medicine at the age of 33. It recounts his third year of medical school as he is going through his medical rotations. Pretty interesting, pretty humbling. For anyone who is considering kids, here's an excerpt:
"He did not mention it, but I knew that the cephalopelvic 'crunch' of difficult, painful childbirth was a legacy of imperfect human evolution. Apes had it easy. But when humans began to walk upright, the pelvis had had to become adapted for weight-bearing. This made it short and stocky and tough and unsuitable for the birthing of a baby. Meanwhile the same baby was evolving a larger head to accommodate a larger brain. Hence an evolutionary squeeze.
Still, most babies got out through the birth canal, thanks to the aptly named 'forces of labor.' Intense and painful contraction of the muscular wall of the uterus, combined with voluntary and involuntary increases in abdominal pressure ('bearing down') pressed on the baby, shoving his or her head out thorugh the birth canal. The head acted more or less like a battering ram, stretching the cervix open and over itself (a common metaphor was that of pulling on a turtleneck sweater) and then distending and forcing itself out through the narrow vagina."
And then on his second delivery of a baby in med school:
"His girlfriend, whose name was Brenda, finally delivered into my hands a healthy baby girl, but not without a grotesque tear of her vagina and the supporting musculature, extending almost to her rectum."
So, who's adopting?!
Btw, Denim Warehouse sale this Sunday in Anaheim if anyone is interested :) And I'm getting a new Sidekick!! So excited!! And a new MacBook! :)
Fefe Dobson - Don't Let It Go To Your Head
So what if I came clean
And told you all you mean to me
So what if I meant every word I said
Baby don't let it go to your head
So what if I write your name
Cause you're always on my brain
In a heart, I paint it crimson red
Baby don't let it go to your head
Don't be getting any big ideas
Let me make it clear
Just cause I can't go on
Just cause I doubt when you're gone
Just cause I think of you in bed
Don't let it go to your head
If I looked in your eyes
One, two, too many times
And memorized every word you said
Don't let it go to your head
So what if I want to kiss
From your toes up to your lips
It don't mean that you've had me yet
You're gonna be good, I bet
I'm the one whose in control here
Let me make it clear
Just cause I can't go on
Just cause I doubt when you're gone
Just cause I think of you in bed
Don't let it go to your head
If I looked in your eyes
One, two, too many times
And memorized every word you said
Don't let it go to your head
I had a porcelain doll
I held on to it so tightly
But when it broke, I swore
I'd never hold on to something that tightly again
Don't let it go to your head
Oh, no (oh, no)
Just cause I can't go on
Just cause I doubt when you're gone
Just cause I think of you in bed
Don't let it go to your head
Don't let it go to your head
Don't let it go to your head...
contentMay 15th, 2006
Back again. Boyz II Men was great. They sang some new songs, redid a few of the classics from other artists and then of course, did their own classics. Skipped out on "Four Seasons" and "Colour of Love" though. It's so funny how all these old artists are popping up again. Afterwards I got flyers for Bobby Brown, SWV, En Vogue, and Bell Biv Devoe!! Crazy! And my friend found concerts for New Edition and KCi and JoJo. I thought they had all retired! Haha. I will probably go to a Kelly Clarkson concert with my friend Andrew in early June. I know, I know, Kelly Clarkson. But secretly, I love her. Muahaha.
Anyway, Dave's been substitute teaching and he managed to set up some plans for us to crash a high school prom this weekend!! I am so excited, hahaha. I get to re-live it all over again! I love dances. And this past weekend, we were invited by his friends to a private event at Six Flags. It was a "Fandemonium" thing that 100.3 The Beat did for their listeners. Let's just say that it's been a long time since I was somewhere where I truly felt like a minority. Hahaha. It was really cool, no lines or wait for any ride. I got to ride the new one that just opened a few days ago, Tatsu!! I am a fiend for scary rides and insane rollercoasters and I'll go on anything but this ride was crazy. It freaked me out and it was pretty scary. You're basically in a prone position behind held in by a harness and dangled thousands of feet up in the air as they throw you around the entire park. All I have to say is, if you go on it, don't look down!! You will pee in your pants as you realize how easily you can plunge to your death. Can't wait to go again!! Hahah. I love Six Flags, they raise the bar with every new ride.
Hm went apt hunting the other day in Chino Hills. I like the area, it's nice. Only 10-15 min from my school. I hope I can get all this housing stuff settled soon though cause it's giving me a hernia. If anyone knows anyone looking for housing in that area, let me know! I'm interested in finding roommates if possible. On top of trying to find a new place to live, this has been and will continue to be a really really busy month for me. People are getting engaged, graduating, having birthdays, coming to town, Mother's Day, etc. Kevin came down from Seattle this week and we hung out yesterday at D&B with Elijah and Jeff (for some reason, D&B is the only place I seem to frequent of late). After that, headed over to a bowling alley for Galaxy Bowling but all the lanes were occupied so we went over to Boomers to mess around in the batting cages. I think I am sore today because of that. How weak sauce. Anyway, Boomers closed so we went back over to the bowling alley and hung out in their dingy bar playing this addictive photo match game. It was ridiculous. Kept trying to beat the high score but it wasn't meant to be. -sob-
So as for now, the plan is that I will quit my two jobs at the end of June and free up July so I can settle affairs for school and hang out with friends. School is going to be brutal so time off wouldn't hurt. I know I've been busy and haven't been able to really see my beloved friends but yeah, call me up in July cause I will be a temporarily free bird! Plus I'm sure I will be having some kind of housewarming party so I look forward to seeing all my friends then as well :)
By the way, I just wanted to say that I love all my girlfriends. Haven't spent too much time with most of them lately but I think of them constantly and realize that they all have one thing in common: they can take care of their shit. That's right :) I admire my girlfriends because they are some of the most strong minded, independent, and go-getting people I know. They walk the fine line of getting what they want but being amazingly giving and selfless as well. Jen once told me that if she ever had to choose between her boyfriend and me, she would choose me every time because I have never let her down when it really mattered. Aww. Romantic love is so intense and led by emotion. You feel this or feel that for that person... there are strong attachments, huge ups and downs, etc. But friendship love is so stable and unwavering. If it falls out of place, it easily bounces back into place. For that reason it is special because it can be taken for granted. It is created most simply out of pure good intention because it is a mutal exchange of company, comfort, ideas, etc. In other words, I think it is less prone to neediness, deceit, or outside pressures. At least, in my humble opinion :)
Okay ham and cheese croissant time!!
Anyway, Dave's been substitute teaching and he managed to set up some plans for us to crash a high school prom this weekend!! I am so excited, hahaha. I get to re-live it all over again! I love dances. And this past weekend, we were invited by his friends to a private event at Six Flags. It was a "Fandemonium" thing that 100.3 The Beat did for their listeners. Let's just say that it's been a long time since I was somewhere where I truly felt like a minority. Hahaha. It was really cool, no lines or wait for any ride. I got to ride the new one that just opened a few days ago, Tatsu!! I am a fiend for scary rides and insane rollercoasters and I'll go on anything but this ride was crazy. It freaked me out and it was pretty scary. You're basically in a prone position behind held in by a harness and dangled thousands of feet up in the air as they throw you around the entire park. All I have to say is, if you go on it, don't look down!! You will pee in your pants as you realize how easily you can plunge to your death. Can't wait to go again!! Hahah. I love Six Flags, they raise the bar with every new ride.
Hm went apt hunting the other day in Chino Hills. I like the area, it's nice. Only 10-15 min from my school. I hope I can get all this housing stuff settled soon though cause it's giving me a hernia. If anyone knows anyone looking for housing in that area, let me know! I'm interested in finding roommates if possible. On top of trying to find a new place to live, this has been and will continue to be a really really busy month for me. People are getting engaged, graduating, having birthdays, coming to town, Mother's Day, etc. Kevin came down from Seattle this week and we hung out yesterday at D&B with Elijah and Jeff (for some reason, D&B is the only place I seem to frequent of late). After that, headed over to a bowling alley for Galaxy Bowling but all the lanes were occupied so we went over to Boomers to mess around in the batting cages. I think I am sore today because of that. How weak sauce. Anyway, Boomers closed so we went back over to the bowling alley and hung out in their dingy bar playing this addictive photo match game. It was ridiculous. Kept trying to beat the high score but it wasn't meant to be. -sob-
So as for now, the plan is that I will quit my two jobs at the end of June and free up July so I can settle affairs for school and hang out with friends. School is going to be brutal so time off wouldn't hurt. I know I've been busy and haven't been able to really see my beloved friends but yeah, call me up in July cause I will be a temporarily free bird! Plus I'm sure I will be having some kind of housewarming party so I look forward to seeing all my friends then as well :)
By the way, I just wanted to say that I love all my girlfriends. Haven't spent too much time with most of them lately but I think of them constantly and realize that they all have one thing in common: they can take care of their shit. That's right :) I admire my girlfriends because they are some of the most strong minded, independent, and go-getting people I know. They walk the fine line of getting what they want but being amazingly giving and selfless as well. Jen once told me that if she ever had to choose between her boyfriend and me, she would choose me every time because I have never let her down when it really mattered. Aww. Romantic love is so intense and led by emotion. You feel this or feel that for that person... there are strong attachments, huge ups and downs, etc. But friendship love is so stable and unwavering. If it falls out of place, it easily bounces back into place. For that reason it is special because it can be taken for granted. It is created most simply out of pure good intention because it is a mutal exchange of company, comfort, ideas, etc. In other words, I think it is less prone to neediness, deceit, or outside pressures. At least, in my humble opinion :)
Okay ham and cheese croissant time!!
relaxedApril 22nd, 2006
I am making a comeback! Haha, no not really. It's been months and I figure it's finally time that I stop neglecting this thing. Well at least this once.
So I've moved back out of the parental crib and into the 3rd floor of Jen's house in Tustin. Been here for a couple months now and it's awesome not to have to drive 30-40 min to work everyday (longer, if there is traffic, which there usually is). Thank goodness. I realize how much I love being in the OC though. I know the area so well, like the back of my hand. I know all the good restaurants, beaches, club spots, etc. It took me years to develop this knowledge. I mean I know where to find the best boba and what time the latest sushi place closes on a Thursday night. I know the best hole-in-the-wall Mexican place and where the most secluded part of Newport Beach is (without having to pay for parking)! I am going to miss this place. I think about this because I am on the brink of moving to LA county and it's going to take time to re-develop this knowledge all over again. It's going to be fun though. I look forward to it. I hope the area overcomes my skepticism that I will find as many plentiful sushi restaurants as there are in the OC! Okay, enough sounding like a fatass. Haha.
You would think after months of not blogging I would have tons to talk about. Hmm. I won't complain about how work is a drag. But it is a freaking drag and if I didn't need the money, I would quit ASAP. Just two more months, I keep telling myself. Two more months. I can do it. It will go by so fast.
What have I been up to? I saw LL Cool J in concert!! He is so freaking hot. I love him. Ne-Yo opened for him and he had a great show as well. It was @ HOB Hollywood and we were 3 feet away from him!!
Does it make you freaking drool or what?! -pant pant- Anyway the real icing on the cake is that I get to see Boyz II Men next month!! I love those guys. I really feel that Boyz II Men is a representation of a different generation of music and what it was like to grow up in the 90s. I thought I had really lost the chance to ever see them in concert again. But I was wrong! Yay :) I really hope they perform "Thank U In Advance" and some other lesser known CD tracks. Tee hee. I think tickets are still on sale!! Go buy them!!!
Eh this entry should be a lot more interesting but my brain wants relaxation. So off I go, smooches! :P
So I've moved back out of the parental crib and into the 3rd floor of Jen's house in Tustin. Been here for a couple months now and it's awesome not to have to drive 30-40 min to work everyday (longer, if there is traffic, which there usually is). Thank goodness. I realize how much I love being in the OC though. I know the area so well, like the back of my hand. I know all the good restaurants, beaches, club spots, etc. It took me years to develop this knowledge. I mean I know where to find the best boba and what time the latest sushi place closes on a Thursday night. I know the best hole-in-the-wall Mexican place and where the most secluded part of Newport Beach is (without having to pay for parking)! I am going to miss this place. I think about this because I am on the brink of moving to LA county and it's going to take time to re-develop this knowledge all over again. It's going to be fun though. I look forward to it. I hope the area overcomes my skepticism that I will find as many plentiful sushi restaurants as there are in the OC! Okay, enough sounding like a fatass. Haha.
You would think after months of not blogging I would have tons to talk about. Hmm. I won't complain about how work is a drag. But it is a freaking drag and if I didn't need the money, I would quit ASAP. Just two more months, I keep telling myself. Two more months. I can do it. It will go by so fast.
What have I been up to? I saw LL Cool J in concert!! He is so freaking hot. I love him. Ne-Yo opened for him and he had a great show as well. It was @ HOB Hollywood and we were 3 feet away from him!!
Does it make you freaking drool or what?! -pant pant- Anyway the real icing on the cake is that I get to see Boyz II Men next month!! I love those guys. I really feel that Boyz II Men is a representation of a different generation of music and what it was like to grow up in the 90s. I thought I had really lost the chance to ever see them in concert again. But I was wrong! Yay :) I really hope they perform "Thank U In Advance" and some other lesser known CD tracks. Tee hee. I think tickets are still on sale!! Go buy them!!!
Eh this entry should be a lot more interesting but my brain wants relaxation. So off I go, smooches! :P
boredJanuary 15th, 2006
I'm in bad shape. Jen worked me this week at the gym. Made me go on 20 different machines, do situps, run half a mile, etc. I was sore from that. Then clubbing Friday night did a number on me. And my back aches. Ever since I got back from Vegas I haven't stopped being sore! And I want to go snowboarding too.... tehe.
Anyway, I feel as though I have been so MIA lately. I apologize. I worked a lot these past two weeks and just spent my evenings chilling. I can't believe we are already halfway through the month of January. I feel like it just turned 2006 yesterday. Before we know it, it'll be Chinese/Vietnamese New Year and then February. This new year is supposed to be the year of the dog (my Chinese zodiac). Usually the superstition is that your year brings you bad luck. I'm not so sure about that, but we'll see. I just think it's kind of silly to think that everyone has bad luck then they turn 12, 24, etc. I just think it's cool that it's the year of the dog, cause everyone knows that the dog is what it's all about!! Woo woo! Loyal, kind, calm, etc. For all my canine buddies, here's what the year beholds for us:
"A stable and calm year will lie in wait for the Dog. This native can find the joy of living if they continue to devote themselves relentlessly to improving the fate of mankind, for it's by being useful to others that one can find happiness. Anyway, they will have an interest in getting out of themselves. It would be a good idea for them to find a cause they can believe in. The uplifting of an oppressed or underprivileged sector of society might use their energies to the utmost. If they have a cause to focus on, this year can be extremely valuable and rich for natives of this sign."
I'm really feeling this horoscope. And speaking of dogs, I would really like to have one once I get my own place! I am really starting to feel the itch of moving out and having my own place again.
This past Friday I went clubbing with my entire pharmacy gang. Everyone's favorite pharmacist, Tina, is leaving the workplace. She has her reasons for leaving but we are all really going to miss her. Dave put it best when he commented that she is one of the most selfless people we know. It's really true. I haven't known her for more than a year or so but she has done so much for me already. She was everyone's second mom in the pharmacy. She is the one person I always felt horrible about saying "no" to at work. She came with us to the club (mind you, she has two kids and she's in her thirties) but we had a great time with her and our other pharmacist, Cindy. I thought it was so cool that they came out with us, lol. I know they must have partied it up in pharmacy school, hahah. Grad/med students know how to party. To all you guys who thought you could party in HS or college, you never went to grad school!!! I think she had so much fun that she wanted to come out with us again. In that moment, I felt that she could just let loose and forget that she was a pharmacist, mom, or wife. I hope I have moments like that when I'm older.
At the risk of sounding SATC-ish, I was wondering, is it ever really possible to give yourself completely to another person if you still have feelings for someone else? If there are still some residual feelings from a past relationship, can you really give 100% to a new love interest? I often wonder why people seem to forget why they fell in love. People get together, marry, have these messy divorces and the first thing that always comes to my mind is, did they forget the reason the fell in love in the first place? I'm not saying that people who fall in love should stay together. All I'm saying is that there was a reason you fell in love in the first place... and I think sometimes if you can just try hard enough, you can return to that place, or at least some existence of it and you can make it work instead of throwing it all away. But I do realize that things change as you get older and sometimes the reasons you fell in love when you were young are no longer enough. Life is really bittersweet like that. There's this song by Mariah Carey that echoes "young love" in the background and I don't think there's anything quite like young love. So much uninhibited, so carefree, so indulgent... this incredible, unbelievable puppy love like you're so happy that your heart feels like it will burst through your chest. And then there's old love. And I can't say I have ever experienced this but I can only imagine that it's characterized by this amazing unspoken comfort... the feeling that the kind of life and connection you have had with this other person is unbreakable because you have weathered all storms and your love made it through the years despite all external efforts to break it down. Not very eloquent but Aud's profile once read, "Love is watching someone die. Who is going to watch you die?" And when I thought about it, I felt that it was true. It just means that someone is going to be there every step of the way, to witness your triumphs as well as your defeats and someone who not only knows but cares about your favorite kind of candy or all the other small propensities that make up who you are. The hopeless romantic in me is rambling. More on this later.
Anyway, I feel as though I have been so MIA lately. I apologize. I worked a lot these past two weeks and just spent my evenings chilling. I can't believe we are already halfway through the month of January. I feel like it just turned 2006 yesterday. Before we know it, it'll be Chinese/Vietnamese New Year and then February. This new year is supposed to be the year of the dog (my Chinese zodiac). Usually the superstition is that your year brings you bad luck. I'm not so sure about that, but we'll see. I just think it's kind of silly to think that everyone has bad luck then they turn 12, 24, etc. I just think it's cool that it's the year of the dog, cause everyone knows that the dog is what it's all about!! Woo woo! Loyal, kind, calm, etc. For all my canine buddies, here's what the year beholds for us:
"A stable and calm year will lie in wait for the Dog. This native can find the joy of living if they continue to devote themselves relentlessly to improving the fate of mankind, for it's by being useful to others that one can find happiness. Anyway, they will have an interest in getting out of themselves. It would be a good idea for them to find a cause they can believe in. The uplifting of an oppressed or underprivileged sector of society might use their energies to the utmost. If they have a cause to focus on, this year can be extremely valuable and rich for natives of this sign."
I'm really feeling this horoscope. And speaking of dogs, I would really like to have one once I get my own place! I am really starting to feel the itch of moving out and having my own place again.
This past Friday I went clubbing with my entire pharmacy gang. Everyone's favorite pharmacist, Tina, is leaving the workplace. She has her reasons for leaving but we are all really going to miss her. Dave put it best when he commented that she is one of the most selfless people we know. It's really true. I haven't known her for more than a year or so but she has done so much for me already. She was everyone's second mom in the pharmacy. She is the one person I always felt horrible about saying "no" to at work. She came with us to the club (mind you, she has two kids and she's in her thirties) but we had a great time with her and our other pharmacist, Cindy. I thought it was so cool that they came out with us, lol. I know they must have partied it up in pharmacy school, hahah. Grad/med students know how to party. To all you guys who thought you could party in HS or college, you never went to grad school!!! I think she had so much fun that she wanted to come out with us again. In that moment, I felt that she could just let loose and forget that she was a pharmacist, mom, or wife. I hope I have moments like that when I'm older.
At the risk of sounding SATC-ish, I was wondering, is it ever really possible to give yourself completely to another person if you still have feelings for someone else? If there are still some residual feelings from a past relationship, can you really give 100% to a new love interest? I often wonder why people seem to forget why they fell in love. People get together, marry, have these messy divorces and the first thing that always comes to my mind is, did they forget the reason the fell in love in the first place? I'm not saying that people who fall in love should stay together. All I'm saying is that there was a reason you fell in love in the first place... and I think sometimes if you can just try hard enough, you can return to that place, or at least some existence of it and you can make it work instead of throwing it all away. But I do realize that things change as you get older and sometimes the reasons you fell in love when you were young are no longer enough. Life is really bittersweet like that. There's this song by Mariah Carey that echoes "young love" in the background and I don't think there's anything quite like young love. So much uninhibited, so carefree, so indulgent... this incredible, unbelievable puppy love like you're so happy that your heart feels like it will burst through your chest. And then there's old love. And I can't say I have ever experienced this but I can only imagine that it's characterized by this amazing unspoken comfort... the feeling that the kind of life and connection you have had with this other person is unbreakable because you have weathered all storms and your love made it through the years despite all external efforts to break it down. Not very eloquent but Aud's profile once read, "Love is watching someone die. Who is going to watch you die?" And when I thought about it, I felt that it was true. It just means that someone is going to be there every step of the way, to witness your triumphs as well as your defeats and someone who not only knows but cares about your favorite kind of candy or all the other small propensities that make up who you are. The hopeless romantic in me is rambling. More on this later.
soreJanuary 6th, 2006
But of course, I am not. I am here, blogging. I haven't had much sleep this entire week. I took off work a bit early today so that I could try to beat some of the rush-hour traffic and make it home in time to take a nap before going out tonight. But of course, now that I am home I'm not tired enough to sleep! WHY OH WHY?! I was so tired while driving at a snail's pace (as opposed to a tree's pace, which is what would have happened if I left work two hours later) that I was practically falling asleep at the wheel during the last mile. ARGH. Tired Van + crappy traffic = bad.
Why no sleep? Well I've been taking my own great new year's advice about spending time with friends so due to efforts towards a social life, I have not had any sleep. I stayed up until 4 am chatting three nights ago and last night I didn't get to bed until 3:45 pm. Michelle and I went to Josh' birthday shindig at Yardhouse in Ontario. All the guys were smashed and they had work tomorrow so we left early, 10:30ish. Once we left, we were still feeling kind of restless so we ended up driving around and went to 24 hr fitness to sit in the steam room and chat until 2 am. Yes, insane, I know. Michelle is probably one of the few people in my life that I could hold a conversation with for hours on end. It's kind of scary. Thank goodness we both have T-mobile! Haha. But anyhow, on the topic of no sleep, the old adage goes: You are only allowed to have two out of three "S" things in life at any given time (I think I blogged about this a long time ago): sleep, study, and socializing. In this case, substitute studying for working and there you have it. Because of working and socializing, I have no time to sleep. Poor me. But I've been functioning quite normally actually. Especially considering my 40 minute commute each morning. Someone told me that I am not human. Perhaps, perhaps.
I am planning a snowboarding trip to Big Bear on January 16th! Anyone who might be interested, let me know. I took the plunge and bought myself a snowboard. Oh man.
Okay, too tired to continue. Sorry...
Why no sleep? Well I've been taking my own great new year's advice about spending time with friends so due to efforts towards a social life, I have not had any sleep. I stayed up until 4 am chatting three nights ago and last night I didn't get to bed until 3:45 pm. Michelle and I went to Josh' birthday shindig at Yardhouse in Ontario. All the guys were smashed and they had work tomorrow so we left early, 10:30ish. Once we left, we were still feeling kind of restless so we ended up driving around and went to 24 hr fitness to sit in the steam room and chat until 2 am. Yes, insane, I know. Michelle is probably one of the few people in my life that I could hold a conversation with for hours on end. It's kind of scary. Thank goodness we both have T-mobile! Haha. But anyhow, on the topic of no sleep, the old adage goes: You are only allowed to have two out of three "S" things in life at any given time (I think I blogged about this a long time ago): sleep, study, and socializing. In this case, substitute studying for working and there you have it. Because of working and socializing, I have no time to sleep. Poor me. But I've been functioning quite normally actually. Especially considering my 40 minute commute each morning. Someone told me that I am not human. Perhaps, perhaps.
I am planning a snowboarding trip to Big Bear on January 16th! Anyone who might be interested, let me know. I took the plunge and bought myself a snowboard. Oh man.
Okay, too tired to continue. Sorry...
sleepyJanuary 2nd, 2006
When I think about New Year's, I find that it's probably the most appropriate holiday that we celebrate in the entire year. It's not the kind of holiday that receives the kind of anticipation and generosity that exists towards Christmas but it's definitely more than just another Labor Day. Anyone who identifies with Chinese or Vietnamese heritage can attest to the fact that Chinese/Vietnamese New Year is the only single day out of the entire year that they close up shop and take a day off. For them, Christmas is not even regarded as highly as New Year is. It has to be the most optimistic time of year. We have lived another year of our lives and we celebrate because we are thankful that we have made it and that we take some time to reflect on how the time passed and how we will spend the time we have in the upcoming year. With all that said, Happy New Year!
Anyway, I think I am just on a high after the awesome New Year's weekend I had. I haven't felt this happy in a long time. I am sitting down now to blog about it because I don't want to forget about it. I basically spent three days with my pharmacy guys, Joe and Dave and one of my best friends from college, Julie. I also got to meet up with Mehul (one of my closest HS friends to date) and Michelle (self-explanatory). Here's a pic of the gang:
So we spent most of Friday driving up to Vegas. We stopped by the Primm Outlets on the outskirts of Vegas and stayed at Luxor. It was my first time there but it is actually a really nice hotel. Friday night we hit up club Ra (which was a great club, lots of space and awesome music). We spent most of Saturday shopping and then celebrated New Year's on the strip. As of this entry, I am completely sore everywhere (arms, legs, abs) and I have all these small random cuts and bruises. But man I had so much fun, lol. If you've never been to Vegas for New Year's. they basically block off the entire strip and you can roam freely in the middle of the streets. It's too cool. If you can't tell from the pic above, we are right smack in the middle of the intersection. Makes you feel like the world is your oyster! The crowd right around midnight was insane. It was like this huge mosh pit/outdoor club. Fireworks went off and everyone just went crazy. We could not move, we were basically swallowed up in a sea of people! But we were also super drunk and that made everything all the more fun. I think I must have killed a million brain cells over the weekend cause I have just been in this funny daze for the past two days, lol. I can't speak correctly and I have made so many dumb comments, I've completely lost count of them. But for the most part, I've just been goofy and carefree. I laughed so much this weekend. It's been really nice.
Moments that I'm blogging down to etch into my memory:
Dave (at dinner): Everyone's eaten dog food. (I am laughing out loud as I type this).
Michelle (to a group of 6 guys): No one guy wants to date a girl that would respond him yelling "Vagina!"
At that point, every single guy got quiet. You could hear crickets. HAHAHAH.
Mehul (on his friend): Oh man he was so drunk that we had to lift him onto a wheelchair and wheel him out.
Joe: Have you ever fallen asleep with gum in your mouth?
Michelle/Julie/Me: Yeah, of course.
Joe: Yeah me too. Overnight, right?
All the girls: EWWWWW, NO!!
Julie: Weren't all the people in the club ugly?
Mehul (in response to a group of white guys yelling "Vagina!"): Dude, you never see minorities doing that shit.
Mehul (in reference to me and Julie): My friends said, "Damn! Your friends are fine! You really came through!"
Dave (in reference to the iPod car charger): I can't get it in the hole. It's too big!
Julie (in reference to Joe trying to get a CD in): Just force it in.
Me: Yeah, that's what it was made for.
Me: I feel like this whole weekend was big workout.
Julie: Yeah, dancing is the best way to work out.
Me: So is sex.
Julie: Yeah. But you have to use multiple positions or else you are only working out the same muscle groups.
Dave (in reference to the above comment): What did you say? Ballroom dancing? (haha I don't know how sex became ballroom dancing)
Me (after waking up): Where did my beads go?
Joe: You gave them to some asian girls that you thought were lesbians. You also gave one to Dave and said, "You'd have better use for this than I would."
Me (in reference to a bitchy girl): She looks like a cracked out Kelly Clarkson.
Julie: No, more like a cross between a cracked out Britney Spears and Brittany Murphy.
Tony (after getting a policewoman's number): We're going to nail her! We'll tag team her!
Michelle (in reference to flashing for beads): I would never do that just for some plastic. Well, maybe another kind of plastic. (HAHAHA I high-fived her on this one)
Dave (in reference to Del Taco): Of the taco.
Me: What did you just say?
Julie (in reference to the long LV wallet a male friend had): That's a woman wallet!!
Me (to Julie, in reference to a billboard I just read): Did you just hear that billboard?
Me: Do you remember the Jackson 5?
Dave: Yeah!
Me: Since that wasn't from my time, can you remind me?
Joe (in reference to his poker chips): I was so happy, making my little pyramid.
Joe: The Thai Style BBQ Pork and Chow Mein are good.
Me: You go to a Thai restaurant and you order Chinese food?!
Joe: No, the Thai Style BBQ Pork is Thai!
Me: Then why does it say "Chinese sausage" in the description??
Dave (right before he is the first to fall asleep): I'm going to be the last man standing!
Oh man, there is just too much to list. Mehul was yelling out of the car in his Indian accent to strangers, we played the chuck/fuck/marry game, I did cartwheels while drunk, we sang "Golddigger" on the streets, Jules and I taking shots on the guys about paying for things, being personal shopper for Jen, making the guys do the "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" shirt-tuck, saying "Happy New Year" to strangers....
I'm starting to feel normal again.
Anyway, I think I am just on a high after the awesome New Year's weekend I had. I haven't felt this happy in a long time. I am sitting down now to blog about it because I don't want to forget about it. I basically spent three days with my pharmacy guys, Joe and Dave and one of my best friends from college, Julie. I also got to meet up with Mehul (one of my closest HS friends to date) and Michelle (self-explanatory). Here's a pic of the gang:
So we spent most of Friday driving up to Vegas. We stopped by the Primm Outlets on the outskirts of Vegas and stayed at Luxor. It was my first time there but it is actually a really nice hotel. Friday night we hit up club Ra (which was a great club, lots of space and awesome music). We spent most of Saturday shopping and then celebrated New Year's on the strip. As of this entry, I am completely sore everywhere (arms, legs, abs) and I have all these small random cuts and bruises. But man I had so much fun, lol. If you've never been to Vegas for New Year's. they basically block off the entire strip and you can roam freely in the middle of the streets. It's too cool. If you can't tell from the pic above, we are right smack in the middle of the intersection. Makes you feel like the world is your oyster! The crowd right around midnight was insane. It was like this huge mosh pit/outdoor club. Fireworks went off and everyone just went crazy. We could not move, we were basically swallowed up in a sea of people! But we were also super drunk and that made everything all the more fun. I think I must have killed a million brain cells over the weekend cause I have just been in this funny daze for the past two days, lol. I can't speak correctly and I have made so many dumb comments, I've completely lost count of them. But for the most part, I've just been goofy and carefree. I laughed so much this weekend. It's been really nice.
Moments that I'm blogging down to etch into my memory:
Dave (at dinner): Everyone's eaten dog food. (I am laughing out loud as I type this).
Michelle (to a group of 6 guys): No one guy wants to date a girl that would respond him yelling "Vagina!"
At that point, every single guy got quiet. You could hear crickets. HAHAHAH.
Mehul (on his friend): Oh man he was so drunk that we had to lift him onto a wheelchair and wheel him out.
Joe: Have you ever fallen asleep with gum in your mouth?
Michelle/Julie/Me: Yeah, of course.
Joe: Yeah me too. Overnight, right?
All the girls: EWWWWW, NO!!
Julie: Weren't all the people in the club ugly?
Mehul (in response to a group of white guys yelling "Vagina!"): Dude, you never see minorities doing that shit.
Mehul (in reference to me and Julie): My friends said, "Damn! Your friends are fine! You really came through!"
Dave (in reference to the iPod car charger): I can't get it in the hole. It's too big!
Julie (in reference to Joe trying to get a CD in): Just force it in.
Me: Yeah, that's what it was made for.
Me: I feel like this whole weekend was big workout.
Julie: Yeah, dancing is the best way to work out.
Me: So is sex.
Julie: Yeah. But you have to use multiple positions or else you are only working out the same muscle groups.
Dave (in reference to the above comment): What did you say? Ballroom dancing? (haha I don't know how sex became ballroom dancing)
Me (after waking up): Where did my beads go?
Joe: You gave them to some asian girls that you thought were lesbians. You also gave one to Dave and said, "You'd have better use for this than I would."
Me (in reference to a bitchy girl): She looks like a cracked out Kelly Clarkson.
Julie: No, more like a cross between a cracked out Britney Spears and Brittany Murphy.
Tony (after getting a policewoman's number): We're going to nail her! We'll tag team her!
Michelle (in reference to flashing for beads): I would never do that just for some plastic. Well, maybe another kind of plastic. (HAHAHA I high-fived her on this one)
Dave (in reference to Del Taco): Of the taco.
Me: What did you just say?
Julie (in reference to the long LV wallet a male friend had): That's a woman wallet!!
Me (to Julie, in reference to a billboard I just read): Did you just hear that billboard?
Me: Do you remember the Jackson 5?
Dave: Yeah!
Me: Since that wasn't from my time, can you remind me?
Joe (in reference to his poker chips): I was so happy, making my little pyramid.
Joe: The Thai Style BBQ Pork and Chow Mein are good.
Me: You go to a Thai restaurant and you order Chinese food?!
Joe: No, the Thai Style BBQ Pork is Thai!
Me: Then why does it say "Chinese sausage" in the description??
Dave (right before he is the first to fall asleep): I'm going to be the last man standing!
Oh man, there is just too much to list. Mehul was yelling out of the car in his Indian accent to strangers, we played the chuck/fuck/marry game, I did cartwheels while drunk, we sang "Golddigger" on the streets, Jules and I taking shots on the guys about paying for things, being personal shopper for Jen, making the guys do the "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" shirt-tuck, saying "Happy New Year" to strangers....
I'm starting to feel normal again.
jubilantDecember 25th, 2005
I seem dead to the world since I've stopped blogging. The thing about blogging is that I often only want to do so when I feel I have something meaningful to say but that is usually when my feelings are most complicated and let's face it, I'm not that articulate. Let's give it another go.
It's 5 am on Christmas Eve (or technically, Christmas now) and I can't sleep. I took a long nap and woke up and here I am. I'm back at home in my parents house. My brother is home for the holidays and it's been really nice. Somehow, our family seems incomplete without him. That's what family is like. An extension of you, wandering the world somewhere. And you are always going to wonder how they are doing and whether they are okay. At least, I do.
Being back home has taken some adjusting to. Since I haven't blogged about it yet (even though anyone who reads this will probably already know anyway), I'll mention that I got accepted to medical school at Western University in Pomona and so I'm back home in CA for good! Just working at the lab and at the pharmacy, waiting for the new school year to begin. My goal is to party it up as much as I can until I become a slave to school again :) It's going to be a great journey to look forward to.
On the flip side, I miss Chicago a lot. There was so much there to keep me distracted and I am grateful I got to experience a whole different life. It was so enriching for me and I met some kindred spirits over there that I really miss and love a lot. Such a short time but it just goes to show how little it takes for someone to really touch your life and how that experience never lets you go. I moved to Chicago not knowing whether I would make friends or whether I would want to but it happened anyway and I feel very fortunate that leaving was actually very hard because I had met such great people. So many memories, so much fun. Wouldn't take it all back for anything. Another chapter closed but of course that only means time for a new chapter to begin.
You know what life is like? A sitcom. Except you are not the audience member who gets to see everything that happens to each character... you ARE the sitcom character, who doesn't know how life is going to pan out for you. That's how I feel about my life right now. One big unfinished script. You think someone has been written out of your life script and then they show up again for a big encore or the person you thought would fill your script for years to come suddenly makes a quick exit. Life is so fluid; the only constant is change. What I am grateful for, however, is the big reoccurring cast I have in my life. For whatever reason, there are people who seem to keep showing up over and over, even without a single good reason to do so. For that reason, I have a lot of faith in the people in my life. That even if I lose someone I care about or that cares about me, we will find each other again down the road. Story of my life. Absolutely beautiful. Validation that we are all connected and that we should care about one another and for people, in general.
Well, we are on the dawn of a brand new year. I hope it's a productive year, filled with love and many joyous occasions, as well as a sprinkling of the bad ones because those are the moments that define us and make us stronger, especially if we have to weather some really bad storms later on. Of course, if you are reading this, as my friend Trish would say, "Love vibes to you!" and my most sincere wish is that you get everything you wish for this year. And sometimes, that just means realizing that you really do have it all, right under your nose.
It's 5 am on Christmas Eve (or technically, Christmas now) and I can't sleep. I took a long nap and woke up and here I am. I'm back at home in my parents house. My brother is home for the holidays and it's been really nice. Somehow, our family seems incomplete without him. That's what family is like. An extension of you, wandering the world somewhere. And you are always going to wonder how they are doing and whether they are okay. At least, I do.
Being back home has taken some adjusting to. Since I haven't blogged about it yet (even though anyone who reads this will probably already know anyway), I'll mention that I got accepted to medical school at Western University in Pomona and so I'm back home in CA for good! Just working at the lab and at the pharmacy, waiting for the new school year to begin. My goal is to party it up as much as I can until I become a slave to school again :) It's going to be a great journey to look forward to.
On the flip side, I miss Chicago a lot. There was so much there to keep me distracted and I am grateful I got to experience a whole different life. It was so enriching for me and I met some kindred spirits over there that I really miss and love a lot. Such a short time but it just goes to show how little it takes for someone to really touch your life and how that experience never lets you go. I moved to Chicago not knowing whether I would make friends or whether I would want to but it happened anyway and I feel very fortunate that leaving was actually very hard because I had met such great people. So many memories, so much fun. Wouldn't take it all back for anything. Another chapter closed but of course that only means time for a new chapter to begin.
You know what life is like? A sitcom. Except you are not the audience member who gets to see everything that happens to each character... you ARE the sitcom character, who doesn't know how life is going to pan out for you. That's how I feel about my life right now. One big unfinished script. You think someone has been written out of your life script and then they show up again for a big encore or the person you thought would fill your script for years to come suddenly makes a quick exit. Life is so fluid; the only constant is change. What I am grateful for, however, is the big reoccurring cast I have in my life. For whatever reason, there are people who seem to keep showing up over and over, even without a single good reason to do so. For that reason, I have a lot of faith in the people in my life. That even if I lose someone I care about or that cares about me, we will find each other again down the road. Story of my life. Absolutely beautiful. Validation that we are all connected and that we should care about one another and for people, in general.
Well, we are on the dawn of a brand new year. I hope it's a productive year, filled with love and many joyous occasions, as well as a sprinkling of the bad ones because those are the moments that define us and make us stronger, especially if we have to weather some really bad storms later on. Of course, if you are reading this, as my friend Trish would say, "Love vibes to you!" and my most sincere wish is that you get everything you wish for this year. And sometimes, that just means realizing that you really do have it all, right under your nose.
thoughtfulOctober 2nd, 2005
Yeah I know, it's been awhile -grumble- Heh... just kidding, you know I love you.
Last week was a really stressful week for me for various reasons. I got sick, delirious, and I had an exam coming up. My room was a wasteland too. I always say that my room is a reflection of the state of my life at any given moment. Little interesting unknown fact about me. Haha.
Anyway, since the exam ended things have been getting better. I realize that it's just a neverending cycle. How things are in life is so transient... when it's bad, it never lasts... of course when it's good, it never seems to last either. Take it all in stride.
Kevin came to visit me last weekend, which was really cool. We hung out, went to a comedy club, saw a Cubs game, and had deep dish pizza. Pretty typical Chicago, hehe. Weather was terrible though. I don't know why the weather is so fickle around here.
This Tuesday I'm going to see Wicked on Broadway with Trisha! I'm excited. Then Wednesday I fly home for several days. I'm really looking forward to that too... but I hope that coming home doesn't make me as homesick this time as it did last time. I'm coming home for my Western interview on Thursday. So nerve-wracking... I don't know, we'll see how things go.
Sometimes I feel as though we are always striving for something beyond our reach. As if it's impossible just to let ourselves be happy because we are under the mentality that it's going to come in time or that it's going to come later when A and B occur. But so often this ends up not being the case and in the end we've just squandered all this time placing our hopes in something that doesn't turn out to be "greener on the other side", if you know what I mean. I've learned to let myself enjoy life and not get bogged down in the details. Travel. Eat. See that show. Don't count your eggs or pennies. Make the effort to stay close to the people you care about. Stop telling yourself 'someday' and start telling yourself 'right now'. Being happy is not about having the perfect life... it's about being able to look beyond those imperfections. In fact, embrace your damn imperfections... makes you real, makes you human, makes you realize that you are not infallible, you have vulnerabilities... reminds you to live for today.
Last week was a really stressful week for me for various reasons. I got sick, delirious, and I had an exam coming up. My room was a wasteland too. I always say that my room is a reflection of the state of my life at any given moment. Little interesting unknown fact about me. Haha.
Anyway, since the exam ended things have been getting better. I realize that it's just a neverending cycle. How things are in life is so transient... when it's bad, it never lasts... of course when it's good, it never seems to last either. Take it all in stride.
Kevin came to visit me last weekend, which was really cool. We hung out, went to a comedy club, saw a Cubs game, and had deep dish pizza. Pretty typical Chicago, hehe. Weather was terrible though. I don't know why the weather is so fickle around here.
This Tuesday I'm going to see Wicked on Broadway with Trisha! I'm excited. Then Wednesday I fly home for several days. I'm really looking forward to that too... but I hope that coming home doesn't make me as homesick this time as it did last time. I'm coming home for my Western interview on Thursday. So nerve-wracking... I don't know, we'll see how things go.
Sometimes I feel as though we are always striving for something beyond our reach. As if it's impossible just to let ourselves be happy because we are under the mentality that it's going to come in time or that it's going to come later when A and B occur. But so often this ends up not being the case and in the end we've just squandered all this time placing our hopes in something that doesn't turn out to be "greener on the other side", if you know what I mean. I've learned to let myself enjoy life and not get bogged down in the details. Travel. Eat. See that show. Don't count your eggs or pennies. Make the effort to stay close to the people you care about. Stop telling yourself 'someday' and start telling yourself 'right now'. Being happy is not about having the perfect life... it's about being able to look beyond those imperfections. In fact, embrace your damn imperfections... makes you real, makes you human, makes you realize that you are not infallible, you have vulnerabilities... reminds you to live for today.
hopefulSeptember 18th, 2005
What is it about my life that made me as soft and weak hearted as I am today?
If I could harden myself to everything around me, I wouldn't be so affected all the time.
Years ago, I used to debate whether I let my heart or my head take precedence over everything. These days, I know without a doubt, that my heart does. I don't know if this is because I've changed or because I've only recently come to realize this. But I think it's both.
Even though so often it seems that I would be better off living a life without such vulnerability... every fiber of my being fights it... whether it pertains to my personal life or my professional life. If you've seen the show House... just watch Dr. Cameron, she is everything I could see myself as ten years from now.
I rarely comment on things happening outside my small realm but I constantly think about it. And it's difficult to feel so helpless all the time... so I try to take solace in the fact that I'm working towards being able to make an active difference someday.
If I could harden myself to everything around me, I wouldn't be so affected all the time.
Years ago, I used to debate whether I let my heart or my head take precedence over everything. These days, I know without a doubt, that my heart does. I don't know if this is because I've changed or because I've only recently come to realize this. But I think it's both.
Even though so often it seems that I would be better off living a life without such vulnerability... every fiber of my being fights it... whether it pertains to my personal life or my professional life. If you've seen the show House... just watch Dr. Cameron, she is everything I could see myself as ten years from now.
I rarely comment on things happening outside my small realm but I constantly think about it. And it's difficult to feel so helpless all the time... so I try to take solace in the fact that I'm working towards being able to make an active difference someday.
pensive